What a fitting word as my final word for this project of 30 new words in 30 days. I wish I could say I had planned it this way, but the reality is that I went through the dictionary blindly and stopped my finger from scanning the page. In most cases, that was the word I chose (unless it was some weird, scientific word). In other cases, I went back through a few websites to look at words that were the “word of the day” on my birthday for years past.
It might seem strange that I find this a fitting word for the conclusion of this project, given that I have been so vocal about the love I share with my friends. Of course, this is important to me because I wasn’t always so vocal, and it was a hard lesson I had to learn to make this change. In the past, I took a lot of people for granted, and so that’s what this has all been about; building connections and sharing my gratitude for the people in my life. Moving beyond the banal cordial relationships with my friends and building that into so much more. With these great people in my life, I’ve extended my relationship beyond rapprochement–they are my confidants, people I believe in and trust completely.
All of this came about because of a painful but necessary breakup. I’ve been changed irrevocably, and for the better. It has been nearly a year of struggle, pain, anguish, and frustration, and my friends around me have been my life vest, keeping me afloat in a sea I don’t know how to swim (because, really, I don’t know how to swim). But the majority of my friends are also friends of the person I shared three and a half years with. I have seen the compassion they have shared for the both of us, assisting us as we both navigate this new territory. I know it hasn’t been easy for them, and they have had to make some difficult decisions; who to invite to this party, who to invite to that party, etc. They’ve done a remarkable job at being supportive of me and my decision to not have contact with my ex.
I know it would make it easier for my amazing friends if my ex and I could reach some rapprochement. However, I’m not there yet. Maybe I will be someday, but maybe not. It’s taken a year to move through all of this, and I know I’m still not finished wading through it all and learning about myself. But it will be a long time before I can feel comfortable, safe, and trusting enough to reach rapprochement. And I know my friends will continue to support, honor, and respect that maybe I will get there eventually. And if I never do, that that is OK too.